jagermeister

october 16

2005-10-25T03:48:00.000+08:00

one of the best gifts i've ever received for my birthday was given to me by my very special friend.

it was placed in a plain brown paperbag with a simple white card attached to it saying...

"to satisfy your senses"

before i opened it, he gave me on a separate plastic bag a dozen of "go nuts donuts." yes, one dozen.

digging into the paperbag, i reached a book. "anansi boys" by neil gaiman.

next, was an original cd of "simple plan." with it, a compilation cd of the songs that we like.

then, there's another small paperbag inside. a perfume. "polo blue" by ralph lauren.

being the insensitive and childish me, i asked, "hmmm... nasan yung sense of touch?"

he reached for me, hugged me so good for 15 seconds or more, then kissed me on my right side of the forehead.

then he whispered...

"kumpleto na ba?"

negativity

2005-09-17T03:23:00.000+08:00

i am good in projecting that my life is alright
it's unconscious that i am projecting that i am alright. it's very unlikely of me to express the real deal when it comes to my personal and private life. i don't want anyone to think i am helpless. i don't want anyone to think that i have problems. i don't want to think about my life anymore. i don't want to think anymore.

i feel helpless
i can't do the things that i am supposed to do. i am pressured to my limits on how my life should be. i am not living the life that i thought long time ago. i am living the life that is directed for me to do.

i feel hopeless
i know that i have potentials. but, i know that what i'm doing now will not bring me anywhere, or so i think. i am not doing the things that a responsible person should do. i consider myself now a happy-go-lucky person. i know that i should be doing my best for my future but i am not. i am not living to the expectations that are set and imposed on me. i am not meeting my personal expectations.

i live in fear and never face it
i just run away from my problems. i am afraid to face it. i used to be strong, responsible and a fighter. what is happening to me right now? am i becoming a weakling?! i should start solving my problems from here... head-on!

i have to do something

god maybe telling me to be religious again. fate maybe telling me that i went on the wrong direction. faith is all i have right now. i should go to my bedan roots again. according to benedictine order, the first rule is "listen". listen to what i truly feel and understand the things that are laid before me. then, i will follow the lasallian values and hopefully it will help me become truly aware of my thoughts and actions. i hope these will work for me. what a plan this is?! this is... uhmmm... i don't know! at least i thought of something. right? it's a start.

i have to do something for myself
i need someone to slap me physically and mentally. all i have are situations that inspire me to succeed, and friends to cry over their shoulders. i only have myself to fulfill my dreams and overcome my challenges. i have to start now. i only have myself to blame in the end. hopefully, it will not be blaming but laughing on the challenges that i have right now. and in the future i will have this evil grin and shout... i am successful!

please yourself first, do the things you like
in time opportunities will reveal theirselves to me. i should face one at a time the things that are happening to my life now. i believe that on the way, there are things that will set me free and those will become the start of the life that i intend for myself.

it's never too late

i surrender it all to god! i can't think of anyone who can help me but god. i believe that he has plans for me and those plans will make my family happy and hopefully myself also. in god's time i will know... and in my personal phasing i will achieve.

the power is in me
yes, god is there. but of course i should not only rely on his grace because not a single soul will be there to act for me. whatever i am experiencing right now, whether it's a quarter-life crisis, suffering, punishment or effects of my irresponsibility, i will work now whatever it may cost me just to achieve the life that i desire and truly deserve.

fix you

2005-09-16T23:55:00.000+08:00

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

by: coldplay

ulan

2005-09-06T03:34:00.000+08:00

sa YM...

boom(1:52:53 AM): gawa mo?

dennis(1:53:09 AM): check ng mails... at nagsesenti sa "rainy days on mondays" yosi and hot chocolate... (tuesday na technically)

boom(1:54:00 AM): saya

dennis(1:55:00 AM): gusto ko maligo sa ulan!

boom(1:58:03 AM): at magkasakit??

dennis(1:58:45 AM): at maging malaya sa ulan! hahaha... labo!

mga usapan na walang kakwenta-kwenta...

dennis(2:11:41 AM): ligo lang ako sa ulan! brb... 5 mins lang...

bumaba ako ng bahay. nka-hubad, drawstrings lang na pajama at nakapaa. iniisip ko, "pwede na to... mababasa lang din... magpapalit pa ba ako?!"

binuksan ko ang ilaw sa garahe. kumahol ung aso na nasa bodega. tinawag ko... "pluto!"

tumakbo sya palapit sakin. nagsimula akong tumakbo palabas ng garahe. nabasa ako ng ulan.

mga tatlong bahay na ang nalampasan ko sa pagtakbo. hinahabol parin ako ni pluto na parang ang saya-saya nya. tumatalon. naisip ko, "shet! nka pajama lang ako... wala akong underwear! baka makita ako ng crush ko sa kanto!"

hinabol ako ni pluto. umikot-ikot sa street. walang ibang tao. lumakas pa lalo ung ulan.
(oo mukang pang-TV itong eksena na ito pero hindi ko ito plinano. katulad nga ng sinabi ko... "maging malaya sa ulan")

napapagod na yata ako at giniginaw na din...

nakita ko ung kotse ng tito ko sa harap ng bahay. sumampa ako sa hood. humiga. pumikit.

wala akong ibang nararamdaman kundi ang ulan.

ang sarap ng feeling. sobrang steady.

lagpas sampung minuto din ako dun. walang iniisip. isang tao lang... dalawa pala.

biglang kumahol si pluto. nasan na kaya sya? nauna na sa bahay nya dun sa bodega.

pinuntahan ko si pluto. pinunasan ko sya ng twalya nya. kiss nya ako.

inayos ko ung kama nya. nagbabay ako sa kanya. mukang masaya sya sa bonding namin.

pumasok ako ng bahay. nagshower ng mainit na tubig. nagsuot ng bagong pajama. nagtimpla ng hot chocolate.

umakyat ako sa kwarto ko dala-dala ang hot chocolate. kinandado ko ang pinto. nagsindi ng yosi at nagsimulang i-type itong blog na to.

sa YM...

dennis(3:15:02 AM): back

boom(3:15:11 AM): sarap?

dennis(3:15:16 AM): sobra!

boom(3:15:25 AM): did you clean up already?

dennis(3:15:36 AM): yep... just came from the shower.

sleeps with butterflies

2005-08-23T02:05:00.000+08:00

Airplanes

Take you away again

Are you flying

Above where we live

Then I look up a glare in my eyes

Are you having regrets about last night

I'm not but I like rivers that rush in

So then I dove in

Is there trouble ahead

For you the acrobat

I won't push you unless you have a net

You say the word

You know I will find you

Or if you need some time

I don't mind

I don't hold on

To the tail of your kite

I'm not like the girls that you've known

But I believe I'm worth coming home to

Kiss away night

This girl only sleeps with butterflies

With butterflies

So go on and fly then boy

Balloons

Look good from on the ground

I fear with pins and needles around

We may fall then stumble

Upon a carousel

It could take us anywhere

by: tori amos

disappear

2005-08-22T02:32:00.000+08:00

"i'm sorry for using the word "hit", but sometimes, God hits us where we are most vulnerable"
a quote from my highschool teacher, one of my favorites, Mrs. Aurora Limcumpao.

i think God is really testing me now. it may seem that everything about me is going well but honestly, i think i am in deep shit.

i don't know where my life is going, i don't know if i will be successful in my future, i don't know if my dreams will come true. for now, all i can say is... it's impossible.

i am so good in projecting that my life is going well. others may see that it may be the case but i am the one living my life and i am the only one who knows all what's really happening.

i am in deep shit!

there are situations and opportunities that make my life enviable. but, with regards to career, profession and future of my money-earning life, i don't think i am in a good position. i am not enjoying my college course. i feel so robotic doing my routines and i am sick of it.

my parents would not let me shift courses. i am forced to do something i dont like. i dont think i will be successful after i graduate from my course. i believe that in order for a person to succeed, he should enjoy what he is doing and believe in it to succeed. in my case, i have to learn it though.

i know i should not regret anything. maybe God really has plans for me with my education. i should believe that He has a plan for me. hopefully, His plan includes my parents ideas. but for now, i just want to disappear.

as much as i would like to continue this entry, wag nlang siguro. it is just making me feel more uncertain of myself.

sorry, after a long time na hindi ako gumawa ng entry, ang bigat kaagad ng post ko.

i feel suicidal.

lou's birthday

2005-04-02T17:28:00.000+08:00

march 31

went to karla's place in parañaque
met the extended barkada(from karla)
tong, marvs and lou(the birthday girl)
ang daming flaker!!!

met new friends...
tonsy
roland or ronald(im not good with names)
mark
rea
and 2 girls i'd rather not remember the names...

the drinking session started at around 11 pm
malakas daw ako uminom...

the session ended at around 5 pm
tried to wake up karla
ang hirap...

slept at around 5:30am
ang sarap ng feeling

woke up by 11am
my breakfast was tonsy's problem...
ang lakas ng hang-over ko!

didn't go to class
went home and took a bath
went straight to my computer shop
played ragnarok...

went home at around 11pm
slept until12 in the afternoon of the next day...

a happy experience...

october 16

2004-10-17T02:00:00.000+08:00

it's mah birthday!!!

the day was like any other day. it's always been in my system not to tell anyone about my birthday or i was just in a 21-year denial that i'm getting old. i'm scared!

i watched "conversations" with boy abunda and he has this gay guest who's somewhat of a socialite. he's 48 years old, wearing an off-shoulder shirt, owns a bar in boracay, has a good social life, and has a life partner who's 18 years younger than he is and claims that he is happy. the i dea that both of them.

NOTE: w8.. im going to continue this some other time... im doing this in a computer shop and my friends are singing at my back... it's hard to concentrate especially 3 gays singing "21 ka na" by lani misalucha... i will do this in the "comfort" of my own room.

soon to come...
saturday at "red banana" in malate
pointed-shoe hunting
b-day party in fort bonifacio bar and grill
halloween at the government
nov.7 saturday at the bath
roseball sardines

i do

2004-09-19T23:49:00.000+08:00

i just came from my cousin's wedding in bulacan. it was a simple wedding since they are protestants but still felt the glamour since it was a "provincial" wedding (naturally, the whole baranggay is invited even when unnoticed) and our family from the province is 11 families big(not to mention the numbers of cousins i have and great grandchildren my lolo has, and counting.)

it was a hot and tiring day. at first, i was hesitant to go to the wedding since i planned to watch the dlsu vs admu game 4 pm and the amazing race(re-run) aired at 7 pm. of course, i missed both. i also was not able to have my haircut by saturday and my hair is a complete not in the wedding event form. but i dont know what got into me and just prepared myself by 10 am and hopped in the car quarter to 12 noon and off to bulacan.

by the way, i found my sister's hair iron and i used it to get my hair some form at least to fit the event.

this wedding is the first time my sister became a secondary sponsor responsible for the veil and my dad is one of the godparents. my mom, well my mom would not let herself seen in a wedding or at any event without new clothes and those jewelries that i have not seen before. me? i was the photographer. but i was wearing a new polo my mom made me, new jeans, a watch my mom lend me(because it compliments her clothes), a matching bracelet and my favorite cologne. hellurh! of course i should make a statement in the wedding right?

at my cousin's(bride's) house, i talked to my cousins a bit, said hi's to my uncles and aunts, helped my mom pick some plants to be brought back to manila, and burned half of a pack of marlboro lights. it was a total chaos. there were laughters, shoutings, loud chattings, and me complaining about the weather and the water.

3 pm at church, for me there was nothing meaningful or even special that the priest/pastor said in his lengthy message. it was a protestant church although it's just a bit different from roman catholic marriage ceremony. i've learned that marriage in the protestant community is not a sacrament but (only) a celebration.

as usual, i checked out the guys and found 4 guys to fall in my "cute" category, many to my "pwede na" category, and 1 to "let's have sex, now na!" category. the groom was ugly. my cousin is pretty, charming and physically above average and she fell for this ugly guy. ok... fine... he's nice and hardworking. but still.

5 pm. we're in the groom's house since it was the venue for the reception. the garden was decorated really well. there were a lot of people lined for the food. lots of people already eating and i've never even seen them in the small church the wedding was held, 70% of them.

my mom and i does not have a place to sit, the place was somehow filled. my sister and dad did not have any problems since they were part of the ceremony and they have seats reserved for them. we sat in the presidential table. yes, in the presidential table. the table was not really obvious because the newly weds chose to have a loveseat, the only elevated seats. the table also was not fully occupied because 2 of the godparents were unable to come. and what do you get from seating in the presidential table? special treatment.

after eating, i joined my cousins because i saw them talking to the guys and with the cute guys that happened to be the grooms barkada. again, new friends and a new crush that gave me his cellphone number(it was a first). exchanged cellphone numbers, share stories, lots of smoking and a bit drinking happened for 3 hours.

9 pm. it was time to leave. bid farewell to my uncles and aunts, cousins, to my new found friends and to the newly weds. while in the car, we talked about the what happened with the day, the bloopers in the wedding, the ugly dress one of the godparents wore, my sister's first not-a-flower-girl experience and a lot more.

it was a happy day. i was not able to watch the dlsu game against admu but happy because i've learned that dlsu won. i failed to watch the re-run of the finale of the amazing race. but everything is ok because i'm happy when i see my relatives, happy when i meet new friends, happy when i experience meaningful life-changing situations and happy beacuse i saw a new meaning of the words "i do" in my life.

one hello

2004-09-15T01:25:00.000+08:00

/gg

i have just learned a lot of things that some of my friends(?) did just to keep their "rightness" well, right. another plastic encounter to prove themselves that they are not the "bad" person. but, the situations just prove how shallow they really are.

i'm not having "i'm-so-nice-and-lovable-person" syndrome, but i know that this time i'm in the right place. actually, i think i've always been in the right place(with the approval of my sane friends.) it's just some people just twist the truth due to their insanity, envy, lack of social life, and with just the idea that they are losers, totally.

/sob

i saw my "light of the day" guy, and still have not talked to me. i've been waiting for him to greet me with just a little whatever but still he has not. eventhough i sort of helped him with something, i can't even feel the idea that we have been acquaintances.

then enter to the scene this "i-don't-see-you-as-a-competition friend" who told me that i am not a relationship material for this snubbish guy. wow! where did that came from?! i admit that i'm envy that this guys talks to my friend and not "yet" to me(hello... even a simple "oi".)

/pif

i think i will be back on using cellphones again. yes, it's already been one and a half years now since i refused to use a cellphone because of an addiction problem and another philosophy. but since the term started, i felt the demand since i'm with 4 groups within my classes and i have a feeling that i will be the "leader" of these groups, 2 of the 4 groups at least.

i can't believe that some of them have all the stylish and fancy cellphones but does not have an i-book, any computer(personally owned) or any means of internet communication without renting in a shop(dorm people already noted.) i just believe that a computer is better than a cellphone and most of the school works are based on computers or can be found and researched on the net at least. it's just i'm used to using the internet for any form of communication.

(self gratifying) at least i know how to adjust...

/wah

i miss my friends. it's been a while since i've been with them to the "tambayan"(meron pa ba?) i am so busy with a lot of things that i don't even have a time to have yosi with manong "p". i catch some of them online but i want to be with them again physically.

/heh
amidst all, i'm happy because i met a new friend(again), i'm at ease with my school schedule, i'm making some money, the leak on the roof by the firewall is fixed, dlsu won against admu, and i know confidently that i have good and real friends.

quote:

Your remedy is within you, but you do not sense it.
Your sickness is from you, but you do not perceive it.
You presume you are a small entity, but within you is enfolded the entire Universe.
You are indeed the evident book, by whose alphabet the hidden become manifest.
Therefore you have no need to look beyond yourself, what you seek is within you
If only you reflect.

-Imam Ali ibn Taleb

insights

2004-09-07T01:39:00.000+08:00

insight no. 1
my friends told me that i have an exciting life. that they have not experienced things that i have. and they, to some extent, envious. but really, i feel that my life NOW is boring.

i read jc's post. i realized that i am doing a routine. yes, i do give myself a break by going to bars even on weekdays, eating fine food but still, i feel that it's all a routine.

i said to myself and always saying to "live by the day" but as i am getting older this quote is fading and really becomming a nonsense. living by the day for me is being adventurous, living ferociously and making the most out of the day. but routines, academic pressures and the idea of employment are really making my life a boring life.

i am thinking about my future naman even if i live by the day. it's just the race of me maturing is way faster than me enjoying my life. would that mean that the mature life is a boring life? i don't know what got into me that i, just months ago started thinking about maturing, income, working, car and house investments, and businesses. is it really like this when people (and me) are getting old?

maybe, im just trying to push the idea of living by the day to a realistic and skeptic person, me. i am not a psychologist or whatever, but i think that living ferociously does not go well with reality.

i couldn't help but wonder, is being realistic, boring?

insight no. 2
12:15 am, i took the cab to go home thinking that it was a shitty day. it's late already and the feeling of boredom suddenly struck me, and then on the radio played, "... how did you know, i needed someone like you in my life..." (sino bang hindi alam ito?!) i was emotionless, thinking of nothing, just looked outside the window. i was blank.

arrived home feeling to tired eventhough i have done nothing. i thought that another day passed with nothing to be happy or even sad about. yes, this day is boring.

thinking of an idea what my post is going to be, i looked at my friends entries to get some feelings. and then, boom told me to read mikee's post. (also, we mentioned the same song in our posts)

it hit me so hard and i started to sympathize and then, empathize. it's about being gay, love and relationship. uhmm... do i need to elaborate on the sad "masquerade" of gay love and relationship?

then i thought, gawd, it's been a while since i "loved" someone and someone "loved" me. i placed the word "loved" on quotation since sex in the gay lifestyle is easy. but love? no.

frustrations, doubts... damn, i don't want to talk about this.

then again, are the pressures of reality affect love? i don't have time for it, career has always been my excuse from finding someone. (there goes living ferociously) i don't have any words to describe what's happening with my lovelife but this maturity thing is really getting into me. thus, making my life boring.

quotes:
"when you do something out of love, do it not because you want that person to love you back but it is an expression of your love."

-arnel ignacio

(but i need someone to love and love me back, we all need someone regarding love. agree?)

"im sorry for using the word "hit" but sometimes god hits us where we are most vulnerable."

-aurora limcumpao

(true, but he's fair)

staircase

2004-09-05T23:47:00.000+08:00

2:00 pm
my parents and my sister left the house. yes! all alone.
finally, another rare day that the house is quiet and walang nakikialam.

i cleaned my room. surfing through the term's worth of academic stuffs, i felt sleepy. i just brushed everything under my bed and slept. (yep, this is one boring part.)

5:00 pm
woke up. thought should have come with them since i am bored to the nth level.
im supposed to come but it was a children's party. it's ok for me to attend though, but the idea of children(i mean 12 years old and below) surrounding me is too hard for me to handle. i just don't go well with kids. kids love me, like running for me and shouting "kuya dennis..." then hugging my legs. i just dont have the likings for children.

7:00 pm
hungry na ako. usually on sundays, we dont really cook for dinner. we usually have our food delivered or bought somewhere. i was wishing na bumili sila ng food for me. i know that i'm not a perfect son pero hindi naman to the point na hindi ako pakainin.(hehe)

i started to prepare myself because i felt na baka 10:00 pm or later na sila dumating. i decided to eat outside nlang.

7:15 pm
salamat! dumating din sila. i opened the door and hoped na may food silang dala. my sister was the only one on the door and said, "hurry, we're going to eat outside."
"ha?! potah!"
deep in my mind, "im so hungry tapos magt-travel pa!" i wished nag take-out nlang sila. my laziness deprived me of lunch. it's good that i prepared myself to leave and eat outside. so hop nlang ako sa car then off we go.(hoping na near lang ung resto)

7:30 pm
there was no traffic kaya we arrived kaagad sa banawe strip of resto's. the sad thing was almost all of the parking places for the reataurants we chose were full. i think we cruised the street for 2 rounds. then i saw a vacant paking in front of Chinatown's Best. finally, food.

10:00 pm
solved na ako!
my parents saw their friend so they talked for a while. i excused myself from the table and went ousite the resto..."yosi!"

then, someone whispered into my ear, "oi, dennis..."
i turned and saw a high school friend or so. "i" thought we were just friends then. saya. we talked for about 15-20 mins then, we parted "again". we were really close in high school but lost communication because of a certain situation. he's going to call me daw.

11:10 pm
we're home and im smiling.

i thought this is just another boring sunday. but before the day concluded itself, he gave me something to make this day memorable.

god is so nice and fair. this day is a testament to that.

newbie

2004-09-05T19:49:00.000+08:00

frustrated but still happy...
i cant believe myself, wasting 2 hours of my precious life editing this blogger to suit my standards or at least it would have the things i like. and with those hours i still cant decide what my blog should look like, how it should be titled, or how i should utilize this waste of time.

inis nga eh...
wala akong plan at all na mag blog. napagaya lang.
ok naman.

while editing and formatting...
"HTML!!! shit!"
pero it was easy for me. i cant believe myself na nadalian ako.
ay oo nga pla... nadaanan ko na to...
even after more than 2 years of not looking on syntax and codes, natandaan ko pa rin lahat.
i don't want to refresh myself of the "emotional and physical turmoil" that i've experienced with my CCS days. buti nlang i shifted.

ang hirap tlaga ng first-timer...
im so excited on what my blog should look like. then i thought that i was thinking so hard...
"hellurh... it's just a blog!"
parang sex on the first time...
relying on instincts

this is it. i think this is my first post...