i am good in projecting that my life is alright
it's unconscious that i am projecting that i am alright. it's very unlikely of me to express the real deal when it comes to my personal and private life. i don't want anyone to think i am helpless. i don't want anyone to think that i have problems. i don't want to think about my life anymore. i don't want to think anymore.

i feel helpless
i can't do the things that i am supposed to do. i am pressured to my limits on how my life should be. i am not living the life that i thought long time ago. i am living the life that is directed for me to do.

i feel hopeless
i know that i have potentials. but, i know that what i'm doing now will not bring me anywhere, or so i think. i am not doing the things that a responsible person should do. i consider myself now a happy-go-lucky person. i know that i should be doing my best for my future but i am not. i am not living to the expectations that are set and imposed on me. i am not meeting my personal expectations.

i live in fear and never face it
i just run away from my problems. i am afraid to face it. i used to be strong, responsible and a fighter. what is happening to me right now? am i becoming a weakling?! i should start solving my problems from here... head-on!

god maybe telling me to be religious again. fate maybe telling me that i went on the wrong direction. faith is all i have right now. i should go to my bedan roots again. according to benedictine order, the first rule is "listen". listen to what i truly feel and understand the things that are laid before me. then, i will follow the lasallian values and hopefully it will help me become truly aware of my thoughts and actions. i hope these will work for me. what a plan this is?! this is... uhmmm... i don't know! at least i thought of something. right? it's a start.

i have to do something for myself
i need someone to slap me physically and mentally. all i have are situations that inspire me to succeed, and friends to cry over their shoulders. i only have myself to fulfill my dreams and overcome my challenges. i have to start now. i only have myself to blame in the end. hopefully, it will not be blaming but laughing on the challenges that i have right now. and in the future i will have this evil grin and shout... i am successful!

please yourself first, do the things you like
in time opportunities will reveal theirselves to me. i should face one at a time the things that are happening to my life now. i believe that on the way, there are things that will set me free and those will become the start of the life that i intend for myself.

it's never too late

i surrender it all to god! i can't think of anyone who can help me but god. i believe that he has plans for me and those plans will make my family happy and hopefully myself also. in god's time i will know... and in my personal phasing i will achieve.

the power is in me
yes, god is there. but of course i should not only rely on his grace because not a single soul will be there to act for me. whatever i am experiencing right now, whether it's a quarter-life crisis, suffering, punishment or effects of my irresponsibility, i will work now whatever it may cost me just to achieve the life that i desire and truly deserve.